We open up with a scrawny teenage boy singing his stupid fucking head off about the nice shit he and his family used to have (such as a golden hen that layed golden eggs and a magic golden harp), but they don’t anymore because it either got stolen or the loser dad ran off or died or whatever, so now they’re poor. At the very least, this one doesn’t feature its own opening credits or a shitty narrator, so it’s not as awkwardly shoved in like Thumbelina. It’s also slightly better made, but it’s not like that’s hard to do!
His mom tells him to go sell their cow so that they have some money for food, but he gets sidetracked by a guy named Honest John (I’m sure you can guess with a name like that he’s anything but). Jack tells Honest John his troubles and of course he decides to take advantage of the gullible little shit. But not before he breaks out in a (you guessed it!) fucking awful song! While most of the audio appears to have been filmed live in the shitty, echoey soundstage, the singing was dubbed over (which is petty common) and I’m 100% sure that it’s not the singing voice of the guy playing Honest John. It’s an awful singing voice either way! Also the camera stays on him for most of the song in a static shot (riveting). The basic gist is that Honest John can guarantee you riches beyond your wildest dreams if you pay him $100 or trade something of equal value.
So Jack stupidly trades the cow for some supposedly magic beans. [Ok so if you know the story, then you know the beans really are magic, but Jack seems stupidly naive to be falling for this! This probably why most adaptations make the character a preteen, at least that’s more understandable to the gullibility of his character. It also turns out Honest John had no idea they were magic either!] Naturally Jack’s mom and sister are super fucking pissed that he sold their cow for presumably magic beans, when they’re poor and starving (understandable). The mom weakly tosses the beans out of the window and a giant beanstalk instantly grows! It’s also just a thin green rope with some leaves attached to it. Jack assumes the beanstalk will lead somewhere if he climbs up it. [Why would he assume this? Again, this is why it makes more sense in adaptations where he’s a lot younger! No teenager would assume this crazy shit unless they were high off their ass! Which is very likely.]
As he climbs, he starts singing another fucking awful song, this one about finding shit and hoping he’ll be brave. He then comes across a giant castle on the clouds (as you do!) and of course decides to check inside. Inside is a giant and his wife. Male Giant is a sloppy looking dude in baggy clothing, a bushy beard, bushy eyebrows, and slightly shaggy hair, who spends most of the time sitting in a chair, shouting at his wife to get him some food (hurray for shitty characters). He apparently is the one who stole the magic golden hen and harp from Jack’s family.
[Those not as familiar with this story should know that in the original story it’s a goose that lays golden eggs, not a hen. Maybe there are versions where it’s a hen, but this so far is the only version I’ve seen to make it a hen. I’m guessing it was easier to make a hen prop than a goose prop. Oh yeah, the hen is something made of papier-mâché painted gold. I can’t totally blame them for not wanting to deal with a live chicken, but it’s still very cheap.] How the hell did this giant manage to steal these things without Jack and his family noticing? How did he get down from the clouds to steal them? In most versions (I’m assuming in the original too) Jack’s family didn’t originally own these items, he discovered them while exploring the giant’s castle. This makes way more sense. So why change it!? Kids aren’t so stupid that they won’t notice how this makes no sense!
Anyway, the Giant thinks he smells something (I was assume it’s his own body odor), and sings his first (of like 4) rendition of “Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,” even though Jack (and everyone else in this for that matter) is clearly American. But he almost immediately falls asleep in his chair and Jack manages to steal the magic hen. Giant wakes up and flips his shit, then sings his song again.
Jack climbs down the vine (I mean beanstalk), and gets back to his mom and sister to show off that he got their hen back. Jack thinks he should go back for their magic harp, but mom is against it because of possible danger (not exactly unreasonable). I’m not exactly sure what the harp does besides play on its own. That’s neat sure, but it’s not really as valuable as a hen that lays eggs of solid gold! Pretty sure in most other versions the harp is sentient or some kind of princess under a spell, and it was captured by the Giant, and Jack just rescues it because it’s the right thing to do.
We also get scenes of Honest John talking about how he heard Jack came back with some treasures (who he heard this from I have no idea) and tries to scam more people. It’s all pointless bullshit anyway (just like everything in this movie). Jack then decides he’s gonna go back to the Giant’s castle and get the harp anyway, leaving a note behind. Said note is later found by his sister and some random guy (who’s never named, and it’s never explained why he’s suddenly there), and if you guess that this leads to nothing you would be correct! There’s not even any kind of payoff to Honest John being a crook. The idiot villagers talk about doing something about him, but of course they do nothing.
The Giant sets up a trap for intruders that might try to steal the harp, then has said harp play a tune to put him to sleep. I’m sure you can guess that the harp and song sound awful. Also the harp makes the hen look like a work of art! I’ve seen plays with better props! Hell, I have helped on plays with better props! Of course Jack manages to steal the harp because the Giant is a fucking idiot.
Jack gets back down to his house, the Giant follows (that’s a strong vine… I mean beanstalk), and Jack chops the beanstalk down which causes the Giant to plummet to his death. Good thing he didn’t crush some folks falling down (then again, as he fell he seemed to turn human sized!). It all ends with Jack, his family, the townsfolk, and even Honest John singing a song and it all finally ends. Slightly better than Thumbelina, but still fucking awful! Let’s get this over with!
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